Martin Heavisides' Rules for Writing, Or: Elmore Leonard is Not the Boss of You

1. Begin all books with a prologue set in a thunderstorm.

2. Use any verb you like but said when your characters speak. Which one ices words out? Which one comments as if perpetually writing an editorial? Which one is sarcastically nasal? Which one talks through their nose ironically? (and note the subtle difference between the two similar stylesof speech)

3. Describe your characters minutely. Do not spare the patterns on their stockings if any.

4. Use as many modifying, qualifying, recontexting or time-adjusting adverbs as you like, but never use them to modify the word 'said', in fact never use the word said.

5. Use as many exclamation points as you like. Elmore Leonard is not the boss of you.

6. Never use the words 'gradually' or 'Heavens to betsy'.

7. Do whatever the hell you like about regional patois or dialect, but don't use words like patois s'il vous plait.

8. Go into immense detail (including longitude, latitude, GPS coordinates) describing places.

9. Ditto things.

10. Always leave space for one rule that isn't one.